The Second Step

A few things that make me wonder why…

Why do I have to write a thank you card if I just said thank you?

Why do people, when asked, “Who was there?”  They begin with….”me…”?

Why road rage?

Why do I get a kick out of squirting my son with the water hose when he isn’t looking?

Why does mixing play dough colors bother me so much? 

Why do people still have mullets? 

Why is Harry Potter evil? 

Why do I feel the need to tell someone ”I know”?

Why do I stand in line at Starbucks for 20 minutes?

Why do people avoid sitting in the middle seat on an airplane?

Why sort socks?

Why do people call back before they check the message you just sent them?

Why wear make-up if your not going anywhere? 

Why are reality shows so stupid, but yet I watch them?

Why do people watch TV in their garage?

If you have any… I would love to hear them.

I have not always been close to my dad.  Now, we talk on a regular basis. 

This picture warms my heart. 

Thank God for forgiveness.

My husband is from a small town and me, well..I’m not.  I’ve lived in a small town, two actually, but not for very long.  Believe me it is so different when you have lived in a small town your whole life.  In small towns everyone knows everyone as well as every-one’s business.  Which I’m not so convinced is a bad thing.  You have a lot of friends that you have had for a very long time and you know all of their family. 

I grew up with Target, The Galleria, and the Theatre.  Very different stuff. 

When Ryan and I go visit his friends and family back home it’s always a huge learning experience for me.  It was hard for me at first not to be judgemental, not in a bad way, but everyone and everything is so different.  I mean the language is different.  They talk about fishing, bottle feeding their heffers, and grass fires.  They have accents, that sometimes I can’t even understand.  But one thing is for sure, they are not out to impress anyone. 

Recently we met up with an old running buddy of Ryan’s, and he and his wife took us “riding around.”  This is probably one of the biggest hurdles I have had to overcome.  Because all you do is ride around.  It’s not that I’m too good for this experience, it’s just simply something I never did.  Where I was from you got in your car to go to the next destination period.

However, I have noticed something that I love about small towns.  I love the fact that folks (you like that?) just stop by.  Now THAT is something you certainly do not see in the suburbs.  We live our lives here, it seems, inside our fences.  What happened to that mentality of just visiting for the sake of visiting.  Why do I feel the need to ask to see my friends?  I know that we are all busy, but seriously I would love it if my friends felt comfortable enough to just stop by my house…because they were in the neighborhood.

On the flip side of that, if say someone did just come by, I don’t want to greet them with, “Sorry my house is a mess.”  That too is something that is peculiar to me.  Seriously, are houses supposed to be clean ALL the time?  If that is the case, I am doing this stay at home thing all wrong. 

So if any of you out there ever just want to just stop on by.  I have a pot of coffee always ready.  My house, guaranteed, will not be tidy.  But, you are welcome anytime.

A few summers ago my step-dad took me fishing.  I was giggling and asking a ton of questions, not really taking anything too serious.  I’m a city girl in the country and it all just seemed so out there to me.  He gave me a pole, baited my hook and we sat.  I got really bored, but I was enjoying being outside.  Thirty minutes later we went in.  The next day, same thing.  But this time, all I was really interested in was getting a tan.  While he was trying to get out of the sun, I wanted to soak in it.  We did not catch any fish that day either.  The next day he wanted to take me out a little earlier.  So, coffee in hand I stumbled onto the boat.  He drove the boat out into the middle of the wonderfully, beautiful brown lake and in went the poles.  But this time something happened…I caught a fish!  From then on I was hooked, pardon the pun.

Now, I look forward to my summers being filled with days of endless fishing.  We board the boat in the early am and find our familiar spot.  If the fish aren’t biting we head to another one.  I have since learned that there is not a whole lot of talking during this time, just fishing.

Good Times

So, life on the lake has taught me:

1. Ask only yes or no questions.

2. Bait your own hook.

3. Beer tastes good at 10 in the morning.

I sometimes give Luke the camera…not too bad.

I have noticed a big change in my parenting style lately. I simply don’t care! What I mean is, that I don’t care what others do, I don’t care what others think, I just don’t care. I was placing WAY too much importance on what others thought. I am not raising my kid to be perfect, I’m raising him because I love him. It seems that so much of my thinking was around his behavior. I placed way too much importance on my child’s reputation rather than his soul. I got so bogged down with books, Google this, blog that…I wasn’t relying on my own intuition. For the longest time I didn’t think I had any intuition. “Parenting does not come natural to me”, I would say. How wrong I was. It’s the most natural thing in the world. I was the one causing it to be unnatural.

I love being a mom, more now than ever!

“Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only for wallowing in.” KATHERINE MANSFIELD

“Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.” PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY

“Let’s not burden our remembrance with a heaviness that’s gone.” WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

I’ve always been amazed at the celebrities that would come on television and say that they had no regrets. I’ve always thought that maybe that was what they were supposed to say. I thought it was a bit arrogant. I would always hear the ever, “I am who I am today because of what happen to me.” I’ve come to realize that celebrities are not the only ones that say that. A lot of folks believe that way.

I can not say that.

Do I regret that second peace of cake last night? Yes

The rude comment to my husband? Yes

Snapping at my four year old? Yes

Cheating my way through high school? Yes

The abortion I had when I was 19. Yes

Not listening to my parents about certain things? Yes

Not reading my bible more?  Of course!

Even though those things have indeed made me the unique person I am today…what would my life be like if those things did not happen? Can I say that I would be happier? I can’t. Could there have been less pain and suffering? Possibly. I find it a very arrogant way to look at life and say that you have no regrets. I love talking to a person that is humble enough to admit that they messed up, that they weren’t just sorry…but regretful.

I don’t cry everyday over these things. I hardly ever think about them. But I regret them. They don’t bring me down I don’t live my life in the past. I have my regrets. I move on. I live my life the best way I can.

But, when my four year old looks at me when he is a teenager and asks, “So Mom, do you ever regret….?” How can I possibly tell him no? If I told him no, what is that saying to him?

I don’t want to go through my life with a mask on trying to pretend. I want to learn from my mistaskes and try to be a better me. I think that having some things in life that I regret make me so ever grateful for the present…and the future!

Katharine Hepburn says it best in my opinion…

“I have many regrets, and I’m sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret? if you have any sense, and if you don’t regret them, maybe you’re stupid.”

I didn’t know what this meant, other than on the decorating shows, so I looked it up.

Feng shui is an ancient Chinese practice believed to utilize the Laws of both Heaven, (astronomy), and Earth, (geography), to help one improve life by receiving positive Qi. The words ‘feng shui’ literally translates as “wind-water” in English, which is a cultural shorthand taken from the following passage of the Zhangshu (Book of Burial) by Guo Pu of the Jin Dynasty:

Most of today’s feng shui schools teach that it is the practice of arranging objects, (such as the internal placement of furniture in an environment,) to achieve harmony with one’s environment. It is also used for choosing a place to live, for plotting a burial site, and still others use it for agricultural planning. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth and personal relationships; critics consider it a pseudoscience.

This is cool. I ran across this list of some Mental Feng Shui.

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.

4. When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

5. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t
have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only
way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer,
smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.

15. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

16. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

17. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others;
and Responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.

21. Spend some time alone.

I love this night. I can’t wait for it every stinkin month!

A few months ago some friends and I decided to start a very intentional girls night out. We have only met a hand full of times, but I can tell it is going to be something we do FOREVER! Our group consist of marrieds, singles, mommies, and no mommies, but it all just comes back to one thing…we are girls. I love it.

I love that I feel very appreciated and cared about. I love the laughter…and the wine. There is no sarcasm, no one ups, no judgement. Just lots of good, caring conversations. And wine! I don’t ever leave my girls feeling lonely, misunderstood, or “wow, I hope she didn’t take that the wrong way.” I leave feeling refreshed, loved on and validated. There is this strong sense of, “I know exactly how you feel.” It’s comradery at its best.

I’m not looking at my watch. I don’t notice anyone around. I’m just laughing, talking and …drinking wine.

My husband and I recently went to LA for a little quick get-a-way. In our short stay we were able to see a lot. The crazies on Venice beach, the big houses in Beverly Hills, the palm trees, the Hollywood Walk of Fame and we even got to watch a movie being filmed. It was so much fun. As a theatre major I was very intrigued. Very!

As my husband was getting a tattoo, I met up with an old buddy from College. He had been in LA for eleven years and he knew a lot of fun places to take me. My husband was getting a lot of ink, so we had a lot of time. It was Sweet! He knew everyone! He knew someone that worked at Paramount, so he and I just drove on in and walked around. Again, the actor inside of me wanted to run on the set and say, “I’ll do whatever you want me to do!” I was itching to show this town my talent. Everywhere we drove there were “Star Wagons”, folks standing outside some building talking to themselves (auditions). Models holding their portfolio off to a “Go See”. This was the business.

Now, this is what I noticed, no telling what else was going around this extremely eccentric city. But this was show business.

As my friend and I were talking, he asked me why I never came here to “try it out”. His voice was so careful, afraid that maybe he was going to upset me. This was my dream after all, to come out to LA and “make it”. So, had I lost my dream, did I settle? Was I now a stay at home mom that watched earnestly the Academy Awards wishing that were me? The answer, was no.

To be honest I figured out that I just didn’t have what it takes. At least that’s what I told him. But, I just simply fell in love with my life. I absolutely love what I do! Really. It was really hard to convince him of that, he kept saying, “But it was your dream…you never even tried it.”

I didn’t have to try it.

It was neat sitting in that bar in the middle of the day looking out at the Hollywood sign and just thinking….Thanks for my life!