The Second Step

My husband and I have been married for 7 wonderful years. He had two tattoos when I met him, and to be honest they weren’t really an “issue”. We really never talked about them. One is on his shoulder and the other massive one is one his back. So, I guess they were “hidden”. Nothing for me to think about or to worry about. About 3 years ago he mentioned that he wanted to get another one. I was shocked. I too had a tattoo and I associated it with an extremely rebellious time in my life. I’ve even considered having it removed.  And…I certainly did not want another one!  So why should he want one? We are married right? We are one. We should be thinking exactly the same way. Clearly. This is just a faze, it will pass. So…about 6 months later the tattoo question came up again, but this time with a little more seriousness and less sarcasm. I looked at him like he was crazy. We are parents, parents don’t do this sort of thing. We live in the suburbs…hello?! But this time my sweet husband was persistent.

But, once again the conversation lay dormant for awhile. Until, one day he came home and I thought something bad had happened, he had such a serous look in his eyes. He asked me to listen. Uh oh…so I did. His exact words to me were, “I want you to really consider me getting another tattoo.” I saw the look in his eye and realized that he had been thinking about this for a very long time. This was hard for him to bring up with me. He already knew how I felt. I was very quiet. This began a very long conversation. What are you going to get? Where? On the lower arms? Oh my! It’s funny how that affected me. What are people going to think? What is my dad going to think? Wow, this was hard. Did I mention that we live in good ole suburbia America? People don’t have those here. Should we move to the city? The dialogue continued for another 6 months and something happened, I began to really understand why. It’s very simple, he likes them. The more I talked with him about it, the more I really saw that this is how he is. He is not some guy who just thinks it’s cool to have a tat. It’s him, in a way, it’s his personality.

It’s funny how for 7 years I have wanted him to fit my mold of who a husband should be. Having a tattoo will not take away from him, but instead add to him. It will make him more of who he is. I’m excited now about the new tattoos, yes there is an s on the end of that.

Amazing how a heart can change.

I have been a runner for about 20 years. I don’t compete, I’m not fast, I just like to run. I run with a group that has been together for about five years. And, in that five years we have run the same course. The same course every week, every week, the same road. The “loop” we call it. However, the loop never gets boring because we fill our time with lots and lots of conversation. We talk about anything and everything. Through the years we have cried together, celebrated together, had babies, lost parents, you name it. So, we just put it on auto pilot and run, not really thinking about the path just running and talking.

This year in my life, I realized I needed a new path. I feel like I have been on auto pilot. I don’t want to keep running on the same road. I’m not sure what that means, but it is a pull, a gentle nudge if you will to do something. I’m not saying that this is some mid life crisis and that I am going to jump out of a plane or go live in India for 6 months. I just feel like doing more. Giving more of myself. Dieing to myself more. Learning more. Living more. It’s really hard to put into words. But, I’m excited to see where this new road will take me.

This past year has probably been the worst year of my life. So many personal struggles, and yet I am still running. The funny thing is…is that I will probably have a worse year, and maybe even another after that. I can’t even imagine. But, if I stay on this road it will just take me back around the loop, I need a new direction. So, I am earnestly seeking what that direction is. I am humbled like never before, and I’m ready. A wise woman once told me that her son had broken his collar bone. The doctors told them that once the collar bone has been broken, it can never be broken in that spot again. My last year feels like that. I have been so broken, SO broken…but I am healed and can never be broken that way again. I’m very grateful for that. I can not wait to see the new path. It’s like I’m just standing at a road wondering which direction to take. Scary…but yet exciting.

My son is the absolutely slowest person on the planet. He is never in any hurry what so ever. I know that it is partially because of his age, but man, it takes us forever to get anywhere! It’s a good thing I stay at home with him, because we would be late for EVERYTHING.

I have never seen my son more excited than on his 4th birthday. He was so proud and so happy. It was like he had arrived at something. He began telling me that he liked certain foods now that he was four. “I can do it all by myself, because I’m four.” “I couldn’t do that when I was three right? But now I can because I’m four.” “I was three for a really long time huh mom?”

 Turning four was monumental. We began talking about his very first birthday party and who was all there. He was thrilled to look back at the pictures to find the very same people at his 4th birthday party! And that is when it hit me. He…is…four…  I began looking at all of the four years worth of pictures. I looked at so many pictures of him as a baby, and those first few years. All I could think about was how hurried I have become. It seems like I say hurry up so many times in one day. “Let’s hurry and get your teeth brushed,” “hurry up Luke we have to get dressed for school”. “Hurry up and eat your dinner.” “Get in you car seat, and hurry up or we will be late.” Even on days that we don’t go anywhere I find myself telling my now little boy to hurry.

Looking back on those pictures made me realize that I don’t want to be in a hurry. I can’t even begin to tell you where three went and I certainly don’t want to forget four. So even though he is slow going, now I can take more pictures with my mind of all the details I don’t want to forget.

I once heard a man refer to his wife as a “there you are” person, and I have never been able to get that out of my mind. What a great thing to say about someone. What a great thing to have someone say about you. So I began to watch and listen to people and this is what I came up with:

I remember going on a date in college. I came back and my roommate said, “So how was it?” “Great!” I said. She asked me all these questions about him, to which I could give no answer. But, I really liked this guy. How could I like him if I didn’t even know him? It’s because he knew what Dale Carnegie says…”You can make more friends in two months by becoming more interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you”
I love me some Dale!