Listening to a sermon this morning it occurred to me that I really, really love to learn about the theology. The pastor spoke on James 4:1-13; Worldliness. In prepping his talk he use the word Hêdonê (aka hedonism) He unpacked that some and I found that I wanted to hear more. I just really find theology fascinating. When I hear teaching about dispensationalism, eschatology, or Calvinism I get pumped up.
I picked up a book on the 5 points of Calvinism recently, and never before have I ever wanted to read my bible more. It seemed to make my bible come alive. I began to listen to sermons and read articles on various theological topics. Then, it hit me. I am a wife and a mother… shouldn’t I be reading a book on “Understanding Your Toddler”, or “Potty Training Guide”, or something on Proverbs 31? I actually began to feel guilty because I simply did not want to read those books.
So I went through a period of beating myself up because I felt that I was not doing my part as a mother or wife. I was not researching for the part so to speak. Getting frustrated that my three year old was not leaning to go potty, I threw my hands in the air. I needed help. Maybe I should read more books on this potty training thing. I felt like a failure. I was doing everything I knew how to do. I had taken all my mommy friends advice, I was patient, I gave rewards, encouraged, watched, waited…but still nothing! My son simply did not want to go. It was a test of wills. Mine against his. How could I convince him that this was going to be such a better lifestyle. He was scared of change and intimidated by his ignorance. I was very concerned for him. I just began to pray. Lord would you please give me wisdom on how to train this child? Put words in my mouth that would make a difference for him.
I then remembered something I had read about Total Depravity. That not only are we (man) only and always sinning, but that man cannot understand the good. This was my son, he could not understand the good, it had not been revealed to him. No matter how many bribes, or how much hype, he just wasn’t ready. He could not see the good. Somehow his heart had become hardened to this idea of “going potty”. He needed a new way of thinking. “If a man is not regenerated, he cannot understand”, the book said. The cause of his rejection was not merely not wanting to go potty, but it was the blindness, darkness, and hardness of his heart. He did not want to, because he didn’t want to. I continued to pray for him. I was very thankful for my little reading on Total Depravity. It made it so clear to me that I am just like him. The blindness, darkness, and hardness of my heart can only be taken away by God. If I desire to ask God to help me, it is only because it is God who is working in me to do it. I am continually and will always be Amazed by His Grace!
Philippians 2:12-13 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your won salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.
